Fish Dawg!

No, not a fishdog.

A fish dawg.

n. Fish Dawg: (Phish·Daug) Someone or something that wreaks of fish and looks like a dog, or something similar to said canine. An example of a fish dawg would be a fifty year old spinster or a thirty-year old who doesn't shower and dumps makeup onto her face by the gallon, bought from Costco.
"Did you see Nurse Gertrude?" asked Johnny. "She is a fish dawg!"


There are many fish dawgs lurking in the world, but some of the most fishy preside at my middle school. They take the forms of 62-year old yard duties who are skinny down to the bone, with Brooklyn accents, and clothes that should be worn by someone at least a third their age. They also drown themselves in a perfume that resembles closely what my three-year old sister uses to get rid of the stink of her poo. It's like a mixture of fermented Febreze, baby powder, and antiseptic. 


A particular fish dawg is said 62-year old  yard duty, who also looks identical to a weird, medieval-esque clown with oil drums of blush, lipstick, eyeliner and mascara she gauges mercilessly into her wrinkled, yam-like flesh. She saunters over to our table nearly everyday and starts up chats about what kinds of underwear we wear--what store, brand, fabric, design--who is an eighth grader and who is going to Disneyland, and other awkward or else inane conversation topics that imply she considers us her best pals since birth, and wants a fresh update on every meticulous detail going on in our lives.


It's annoying as hell.

Here is a very accurate mugshot of what I'd imagine she'd look like in cartoon form, complete with tacky jewelry and a five dollar walkie-talkie from Walmart. 


Notice the cheap, gargantuan gypsy-like hoop earrings, numerous and excessively colorful arm bands/ bracelets bought from the side counter of the 99 cent store, and grayed hairs that have been feebly attempted to be dyed "Hazelnut Husk." Her belt and jeans don't help the hippy figure, either. Please, fish dawg, what fish--or dog for that matter--wants to endorse the boy band "One Direction" to an audience of swooning adolescent twelve-year olds on the pruney bag of bones that is your thorax, you stick bug? Seriously, in real life, she looks even skinnier than here!!


Do the right thing: recognize a fish dawg before it recognizes you... and starts stalking you... and calls you buddy... and won't give you a moment's peace... and touches your hair.










Bye.